•^j . c / / .. -" (^ 




?^unti.iB a Suvtle. 
TuR. Hew well you acted the mad woman— yes it is— no 

it isn't — ha! ha! . , . , i i u i '»! 

Mrs T. Hal ha! ha !— its a cnpital joke— ha! ha! m 

Lev. [.dcancing between ihenu] Ha! ha!-a capital joke- ^ 

ha! ha! Act I, -Scene 1. 



g^ut'ncr*s Bramntfc Utiitavi). 

HUNTING A TURTLE 

f^n ©ifflfnal i^atce, 

IN 
ONE ACT* 



BY CHARLES SELBY, Comedian : 

Attlho'^ of Catching an Heiress; Frank Fox Fhipps, Eiq. 

Domestic Arrangements; The Unfinished Gentleman; 

Married Rake ; Captain Stevens, ^., S^c» 



PRINTED FMOM THE BEST ACTING COPV, WITH REM^ItKS 

BIOGIiAPHICAI. AND CRITICAL, 

to which are added 

A (Icscriptrioii of the Costume, Cast of the Cliaracterrf, Exits and 

, Eniiaiices, and the whole of the Stage Business, 

Properiies, and Directions: 

AS NOW PEUFOI'.BIED IN THE 

LONDON AND AMERICAN THEATRES. 



dnbellislicd witli a fine Wood Engraving) 

From a Drawing taken in the Theatre. 



FREDERICK TURNER, PUBLISHER: 

TURNER & FISHER, 11 NORTH SIXTH STREET j 
C.NEAL, 16 SOUTH SEVENTH ST. 

TURNER & FISHER, 90 DIVISION STREET. 



W 






0<x 



COSTUME : 

Mr. TURTLE— Drab jean shooting jacket, plaid waistco.^^ 

black stock, wliite trousers, shoes and gaiters. 
Mr. LE\ ISON — Fashionable brown frock, fancy waistcoat, 
nankeen trousers, white hat. Second dress — A large 
modern great coat, long worsted gaiter stockings, Welch 
wig, with coloured handkerchief tied over it, long gray 
hair, broad brimmed black hat. 
SM.VITEK — i'op boots and breeches, red striped waistcoat, 
smart green livery jacket, black hat with gold band and 
cockade. Second dress — i landsome hussar jacket, white 
trousers, sword and cartouch bos, foraging cap and gold 
band. Third dress — Black quaker's cut coat, long leather 
gaiters, eccentric po^yd^red wig with a tail, green spec- 
tacles, low crowned black hat, white neckcloth, cane. 
ITMOrHY DANDELION — Short tailed dark blue coat 
with metal, buUoiis, dark cord eroy breeches, broad striped 
waiscout, coloured neckcloth, old fashioned top boots, 
green apron, snail straw hat. Second dress — Earge 
brown modem great coat — very long, buttoned up to the 
throat — veiy lar^e white neckcloth tied in a bow, large 
oval shipped browp hat, greeu bag. 
JOHN — H-indsorae livery. 

Mrs. TUIULE — Green velvet pelisse, faced with crimson 
satin and gold lace, like an Imzzar jacket, green velvet cap 
with broad gold band andttassels, hand-ome arrow, belt, ainl 
bow. Second dress — Chintz gown, white apron, lace cap. 3d 
dress — Large pattern loose dressing gown, with long sleeves 
to be worn over second dress, fastened round the throat only 
■(not compressed at the waist) — mus'in cap with very broad 
borders, hair in a great many papers. Fourth dress — Fashion- 
.able silk or muslin, 

EXnS and EN'J'RANCES. 
Tl. means Right; L. Left; F. the Flat, or Scene riiunvig 
'across the buck of the Stage ; 1). F. Door in Fhit ; R. D. Right 
Door ; L. D. Left Door ; S. E. Second Entrance ; U. E. Up- 
per Entrance; C. D. Centre Door, 

HELATIVE POSTITONS, 
R. means Right ; L. Left ; C. Centre ; R. C. Right of 
Centre; h. C Left of Centre ; X. Ci oases,. 

R. lie. C. LC. U 

*** fhe Reader is supjU'sed to {^ a/i f/*^ -*""*«. ficiti}^ thq^ 
Audiencef . " ' ^^ 



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SCENE, which remains during the Piece. A Lawn before 
a gentleman s Manaion in the Country. A High Wall, and gale, 
L. French Windows in the Flat r and l. A faasige with 
practicable doors leading to Apartments r. and h. A garden or 
conservatory in perspective. The tvimlows of ilie apartment are 
open, discuvering handsome carpels, sofas, chairs, 6^c. Shrubs, 
flowers, statues, vases, &^c. distributed around in picturesque 
confusion, 

Timothy DAtiVEhioy, discovered, watering lowers, S^c* 

Dan, (^Singing) 

'Twns in the merry month of May, 
When bees from flower to flower did hum. 

lA Bell rings without, at gate, L. 

Souo-ers through the town marched g-ay, 
And Aall resolTed to follor the drum. 

\Bell rings again] Holla! somebody's a ringing the lodge bell. 

From winders lasses looked a score, 
[Bell again] Go it! 

Neighbors met Aat Aevery door— 
[Bell again. Bawling off, R.] Tom, somebody wants you! 

Souger lads charmed Aevery sight, 

Bell again] It's not my business to hanser it, so they may 
|-ing. 

ITiyes beamed pleasure, 'arts danced lig'ht. 

[Bell rings furiously] Hollo! they'll pull it out by the roots, 
—where ?« that lom? [Bell again] Well, I suppose I must 
go, though it ayn'tmy busitiess. Don't be in a hurry, I'm a 
coming. [Singing] '"Twas in the merry month of May, &c." 

[Opens the gate. 



8 HUMING A TTHTLE, 

Enter S MATT I H, 

Smat. Better Inte than never. Do you always keep people 
half an hour at your gale befoie you admit them, Mr.OaiutneiT 
Dan. Why, that's" as it may happen, Mr. Fntninn. It the 
porter be in t^ie way, prahtips they gets in /jaf'ter tlie secoud 
or third ring, bul if" lie's at dinner, or a taking his glass, ihey 
rnusn't/iexpecl to be attended to for half an hour at the wery 
least. 

6V»ot. Indeed! you are cool one's here in the country, 1 
think ; I'm positively ceitain they would not stand such things 
in London. Is your master at home'? 

Dan. Why, you see, 1 don't 'zactly know : he's in the house, 
but prahop-s he's not at home for all that. Do you catch the 
'u\e?i1 [Winking] Down as a hammer, 

.Smat. Oh, ves, 1 percfeive you have some glimmerings of 
civilization, though 1 imagined all you gentlemen who vege- 
tated in the provinces, were totally unaquainted with the 
Chesterfieldian sopliislry of us metropolitan artistes, and never 
practised the polite science of lying. .... 

Dan. Lor' bless your stupid heail, we be as big liars in the 
country as you is in Lunnon, we knows quite as much as you, 
and a precious sight more, I can tell you. 

Smut. Ixeallv ^ ^ 

Dan, .Ave, to be sure. I don't know what you mean by 
Cheshirechessiun s,>ppern, or t'tother mopperioppepun hard word, 
but I'll bet you a shilling I'll eircitnment you at any thing you 
pleases. ,, 

SmaU Done— keep >our eyes open, young Simon, 1 U as- 
tonish your feeble intellects. ISow to business. lGwrngcard\ 
Give that to your master, and let me V.iiow if he's at home to i ». 
Dan. (Ueacling card) 1 he— what 1 the Hornbull Mr. 
Levy's son— eh ? What a rum name, Hornbull! ^ 

Smat. No. no, you aje iu e.ror. I be Honorable Mr-J-evi- 

«m,itli€ name is short, you knoi».— [Spe/iJ?i^— H-=o n-o to-l-e. 

Dun. Oh. the honorable is short, is it— 1 dare say now 

that's uery often the case with lots of honorables- Are j^oM 

tiiis chap's man 1 

&»wt. <'^o»«-«W/v) No, rtnhisgentlemaTi. 
Dan. ( Taking off' his fiac with mock politenMs) Oh, 1 axes 
pardon, excuse my wulgarity. 1 sees you is a gentleman, you 
dont look like a man. 

Smat. Kb? [Angrily] Come, come, Mr. Cauliflower, you 



ikUNttNG A TURTLE. » 

are getting impertinent, be respectful, or I must teach you 
civility. [Turning up the Cuff's of his coat. 

Dan. Must you? that's your sort, I wants a little laming. 
Why don't you begin, Mr* Parsley and Butter? [Squaring] 
Vm quite ready. [5^Hart/ig] Do now, I should like to whdp~A 
gentleman. [Squaring] Do teach me civility, Mr. Sop in Ihe 
Pan, I is so wery sarcy. [Squaring. 

Smat, (^Retreating) No, no, you are in error — I beg leave 
to decline. {Aside) Rustic savage, he'd murder me! Don't 
be so violent, I was only joking j besides, the weather is too 
Warm for pugilistic encounters, don't he so horribly pugnacious, 

Dan. Pugnacious! come, 1 say, just look here now, Mr. 
Thingume, don't you come for to go to call names, or I'll 
teach you civility. (Squaring) I'm not a pug)iacious, or z.ny 
other nacious, so be respectable or mind your eye. [Squaring. 

Smat. No, no, you are in error. (Aside) Rural butcher. 
Allay your passion, young.Strephon, I did not mean to offend, 
pugnacious is a French word derived from pugnose-o, a verb 
active, signfying 

Dan. I doesn't care what it signifies, I won't have it, so I 
tells ye. I'll take master the card, but afore 1 goes, young 
clothes brusher, jast let me give you a bit of adwise, free 
gratis for nothing Don't you try any of your l.unnun trjcks 
on me, or I'll try if I can't knock out a few of your teeth, 
flatten your nose, and spile the beauty of your complexion, so 
look, Mistar Lnnnun particklar, lake care I don't make you 
a pugnacious! [Exit into House, knocks at l, door in ihePas- 
sage, enters, and is seen ivithin as in conversation with his master 

Smat. Make me a pugnacious unlettered savage, he's as 
strong as a horse, and as vicious as an uncontrollable bull ; 
he'd think no more of killing, (and, I believe, eating) me, 
than he would of discussing his breakfast — 1 must keep out 
of his reach. I wonder wnat can have induced master to 
leave — what on earth is the cause of his migration into the 
couotry at this du'l time of tiie year { Some peiticoaiical de- 
lusion, 1 should imagioe, nothing else could have seduced 
him from the habitable world to this North Pole region. 
Enter Timothy Dandelion, /rum House. 
Dan^ Master will come to you directly. Remember, yoang 
Lunnun, we've got a shilling a'twuxt us, who can queer and 

gammoa the best. Look out, won't you learn me civility 

ekl (^Hitting out) Ha, ha, ha! go your hardest I'll circum- 



10 



HUNTING A U'lTLE. 



went you, IVIr. Lunnun particlar. {Taking up watering pat, &{C 
I'll show you some Clieaire cheesiait soppeiij — I'll inopperlap' 
pepuit luiitiste you, thougli you does call nie a pugnacious! 

Smat. That fellow's fate is inevitable, he'll be sent abroad 
at the expense of his country. Oh! the native potentate, 
the signeur de village, is coming, I'Ji impress him with an 
idea of my consequence. ^ 

Enter Mr. Tl'ktlt, from Apartment, &, with a card in h's 
Hand. 

Tar. You are Mr. Levison's servant, I believe 1 

Sinat. Yes sir. 

Tur, Where is your master ? 

bmat. At the inn, in the village; he despatched me to 
learn if you were at home and would receive him, 

Tur. Is his lady with him 1 

Smat, No, sir ; which lady do you mean, sir 1 we have so 
many. [Lavghing affectedly, 

Tur. (Stenilij) I mean his wife, sir, i\Jrs. Levison. 

Smat. Mis wife, sii! [Smol}ieriiig a lavgh. 

Tur. Ills wife. Does my question astonish you 1 

Smat. Oh, no, sir, lam too well bred a man to be astonish- 
ed at anything ; but I was not awaie that my master had a 
wife. 

Tur. Indeed! (Aside) Very strange! How long have 
ou been in his service? 

Smat. I accepted office on the third of INJay last, I 

Tur. {Severely) Sir] 

Smut. I beg pardon, sir — I mean I entered his service in 
May last, at Taris, about six weeks ago. 

Tur, Take my compliments to your master, I shall be 
happy to see him, 

Smat. Yes, sir — {^Going l) Had I known he was a married 
man, I would not have consented to superintend him. '^^W?. 
is a i-1iHMn-1 false world! [Eiit through the GaieJ'ff 

Tur. This visit bodes me no good. Of all my bacheldr' ' 
friends Levison is the most to be dreaded. No doubt h^ has 
heard of my marriage, and has come down to see my wife — 
I'm sure of it, he has impudence enough for anything. 1 must 
keep Erai'y out of the way until I can get rid of him. {Culling) 
John ! 



hli*^ri'NG A Tl'RlLE. 11 

Etijer J(*fH*-from House, ix ' \ 

^ .Where is your mislress K^^"'^' 

Or\^.,j[W«T, In the oiciianl, sik, practising for the archery meeting. 
Tiir. Request lier to come to me immedintely. 

■\^- Jjilui. Yes, sir. [ E,x<t ihi ough the passage. 

Tiir. 'Tis cursedly annoying vvlien one gets married and 
settled, to be hunted up by bachelor friends, who imagine 
tliey have a right, upon the strenL;th of former intmiacy, to be 
received and treated aspait ot one's faniily. Ti.is confounded 
Levison will tiy to domesticate himself, as he calls it, for a 
month at least ; 1 don't like to quariel with him, but I must 
find means to prevent his intrusion from going beyond a mere 
call en i)a.ss(inl, he shan't see my wife, I am determined. 

Enter ilits. I i' ui i.k. from pus-age o., dressed in a Fancy Ar- 
ikeiy Cobtuine, with Bow, Anuws, and Quiver. 

Mrs. T. Do you want me, Charles? 

Tur. .Yes, Kmiiy, circumstau'^es have occurred which wili 
prevent me f I om acconipanxing you to the aichery meeting 
this mofnitig, and as 1 do not think it would be proper ftr 
you to go alone, I'm afraid t'lal 

Mrs. i". 1 must stay at home. How unfortunate, 1 antici- 
pated such a tlelightful day! 1 have been practising so hard, 
hit the target every time close to the bull's eye. Look how 
well 1 can draw the bow— sure to have cariied off the prize! 
Do you see that pigeon on the top of the house ? I'll bring 
him down, (.'^huoling off, u — A crash of 6/«ss.) (.)h, dear, 
I've mi-sed and sniabhtd a pane of glass ! never mind, ac- 
cidents will happen, shoot better another time. What's the 
matter, why can't we go to the meeting? 

Tur. I expect a person to call on particular buNiness. 

Blr. T. Dear me that is unfoitunate. Can't your visitor 
go with us ? 

Tur. No, the fact is, Emily, I don't wish you to^^seen by 
this person, 1 ^ "" ''^ 

Mrs. T. indeed! is this mysterious person a 

Tur. bio, on my honor. ,^- 

Mrs. T. One of your bachelor friends then, whom you are 
afraid will oblige me with a sketch of your intrigues and adven- 
tures — is it so. y( u terrible Turk ? 

Tur. No, no, I assure you, no ; I have other reasons. 

Mrs T. I guess them. You are afraid your triend will fall 
in love with rae. Oh, you jealous monster ! I know I aw 



12 HUNTING A TURTLE. 

right, so don't attempt to deny it. I have a great rnind to 
Se n.y>f It agreeable to him on purpose to punish you. Is 

he young 1 

Tur. {lUefnlli,) Yes. 

Mrs. r. Cliarmin^, agreeable 1 

j„^^ Yts- curse him, a great deal too much so. 

Mis'. T. Is he tall and handsome J 



Mrs. 7 

Tur, Yes. 

Mrs. T. In the army 1 



ifrs.T.D^el'ig^^tfu^'- Wears whiskers and mustache, of course t 

7H'r.\e.s-^unfortunately,yes. 

Mrs r. Dear cieature ! What's his namel 

-r u;c name' whv. \i's— (Pulling curd into his pockets, 

J::''u Mn^T^p^lt up uL readmit. A.de) I'm afraid 

foTell her (^^--0 His name's Brown-Captain Brown, 

^°^r nX'^^^^-'^roh. yes I have though. 

BrovJn is ml rely a fravelUng name, his real one is the Hon- 

'"'l^r^l^^^stoni.heH) Ehl iA.ide)^ How the devil 
couU Jhi knowf ; Yes, yes,^ou a.e right, it is Mr. Levison 

— do vou know him ^ . r •„„ 

Mil T Oh, yes. he's an old sweetheart of mine. 

T,.'-' inrlpp.l' (Aside) Pleasant upon my lite. 

Mr. I I have known him a long\vhile, we used to dance 

together, at all the balls, 
"r.r Oh indeeai OlsWO The devil! 
^;;- T \ eT-land Jo jou know at one fme I thought he 

"^?-,frtu;e:"''Ha".t' ';;:• (^»M Da.„ed pleasant! 

though 1 were a petted child, ^ut are cruel e ^ , F^^^^, 
me from winning the prize at ^^'•^ ^^^^^'J "J^ sweetheart; 
because y.u don't like me to be seen by ^^ J f^^^^^ ^, ] 
it's very un.iad of you.^--'^/--^^f;-;;;,^^^ 1^ oTn't look 

Spartan fortitude ! 



HUNTING A Tt'htir. 13 

Ti'.r. Dearest. EtTiily, 1 see you are laus'liing at me; excess 
of artection makes me inistrusttul, I coiitess I am jealous o( 
every one, but most particularly of tliis confounded Levison; 
altliougli he is married now, still I'm afraid of hini. Oblige 
me by remaining in your apartment till he goes— do, Lmily, 
and set my heart as rest. 

Mrs. T. No, you have raised my curiosity, and I am deter- 
mined to see this dangerous character — no expostulation, 1 
will, there, sir — I say 1 will. 

Ttir. (Aiigrilg) Mrs. Turtle! 

Mrs. T. {FUppantly) ISlr. 1 urtle, I wilt if you will let me. 
Dear Charles, forgive me, I do but jest— 1 never saw or 
heard of Mr. Levison in my life. 

Tur. Indeed! how 'hen did you become acquainted with 
his name 1 

Mrs. T. By this card, which I saw you drop. (Laughing) 
Don't be jealous any more ; let me see your formidable 
friend, and trust to my ingenuity to send him uway. 

Tur. What do you mean to do ! 

Mrs. T. To frighten him out of the place, and make him 
forswear flirting tor the rest of his life. 

Tar. Well, 1 will trust you, but be cautious, remember raj 
happiness is at stake. 

Mrs. T. Fear nothing, leave all to me. Do you receive 
him while I arrange my plan of attack; don't be astonished 
at anything 1 may say or do, but be ready to take a hint and 
assist me. I'll make him an example for the benefit of rakes 
in general. {Exit in House, through window, r. 

Tur. Madcap! what does she intend to do ? no matter, I 
know I can trust her. 

Lev. ( Without at gate, l) Discharge the chaise, and 
bring over my portmanteau. 

Tur. Bring over his portmanteau! Confound him, he cal- 
culates on making a stay ! 

Lev. (Without) Take care of the guns and fishing rods. 

Enter Levison, l. -► 

My dear Turtle, how d'ye do \ surprised to see me no doubt, 
— sly dog, got married, and thought to j^ive us all the go by— 
eh? Made a bet I'd ferret you out, and here 1 am — ha ha! 
How's your wife. Turtle ] ha, ha, ha! 

Tur. (Aside) 1 thought so. (Coldly) Mrs. Turtle is quite 
well, but 1 am 



14 ULtNtin'G a turtle* 

Lev. I ktiow — you are cursedly annoyed at my visit. Don't 
look grave and sapient, you know my stupid rattling oft' liand 
manner ; we are old friends, and you ought to have a better 
opinion oi me than to suspect— lioiculous! Besides, I'm a bene-^ 
diet myself, and a fellow feeling you know, so make your mind 
easy, Jdon't care a tig wheiher you let me see your wife or not» 

Tur. Indeed! what the deuce, then, has brought you here? 

Let. What! do you suppose 1 came solely for the purpose 
of seeing Mrs. Turtle ? ha, ha, ha ! My dear boy, you are 
quite mit^taken, 1 never thought of her— no, no, I'm another 
man now— quite reformed, 1 assure you; my misforlunes, 
not your wife, have brought me here. 

Tur. Misfortunes! {Lduohiug) Pshaw! what misfortunes 
can you have met with I ridiculuus — ha, ha, ha! 

Lev. I'm in earnest — my misfortunes and losses have been 
various, in fact, too numerous to mention. In the first place 
I've got a wife 

Tur Do you call that a misfoiiune] 

Lev. You a married man and doubt it! 1 have /osf my 
iibetty, in the next place I betted on the wrong hoise and lost 
my money, next, 1 made love to a coquette and hit my time, 
had a quarrel in consequence with my hetter half who gave 
me no ouaiter. so 1 lo,t mv temper, and then I fought a duel, 
and nearly loit my life, then I lost what I was very soiry I ever 
found, I lost 

Tur. Whatl , , , ^ r , 

Lev. My ioj/c— she ran away; I lost her because she /oj/nd 
I was a hit man. 1 went to Faris to drive away care, hut it 
wouldn't do, even there I was lost, for everything had lost its 
fascination : the wine had lost its flavor, the amusements had 
lost their spirit, the women had lost their power of attraction, 
in shoit, I lost no time in returning to England, where IJound 
everything in confusion. My credMors found that 1 was over- 
head and°pais in debt, and, of course, soon found means to 
annoy me, so not knowing what else to do, thought I had bet- 
ter do them. 'Ihis morning I was J ou, id missing, I have, 
found my way to vour abode, where 1 hope to find food and 
shelter until I canji/^d tinieto arrange my aflfairs. [x ton. 

Tur. (Aside) I wish he had been lost altogether, or>und 
at the bottom of a river, 1 shall never get rid of him. 'ifour 
situation really distresses me. Levison, particularly as it is 
out of my power to be of service to you, we are all going to 
town to-morrow, iu fact, we were to have gone to day. 



BUNTING A TURTLE. 



15 



Lev. How unlucky I I calculated on spending a month with 
you at least. 

fur. Indeed! (Aside) I knovr it. (Altnd) 'Tis very un- 
fortunate. {^Aiide) W Emily doesn't frighten hina away I'm 
settled. 

Lev, Is Mrs Turtle at home ? 

Tar. No — oh, yes — no, I really don't know. 

Lev, No — yes — I don't know ! Come, come. Turtle, speak 
the trutli ; she is at home, but you are afraid to let me see 
her. 

2'iir. Oh, no, no, no! I'm not certain whether she is pre- 
pared to receive company. 

Lev. Oh, she won't mind me, I'm an old friend you know; 
■don't stand upon ceremony, my dear boy, I never do. 

Tiir. (Aside) No, confound you, 1 know it, you are the 
most free and easy fellow I ever met with. (^Alond) I'll let 
tier knovr you are here. (Going c) I'm afraid he's a fixture. 

[Exil,c. 

Lev. (Laughing) Ha, ha! he believes every word of my 
story —ha, ha ! I shall see his wife — I wonder what sort of a 
creature she is, a perfect rustic Venus I dare say. I've ma- 
naged capitally, how they will laugh at the adventure when! 
return to London, I'll make myself particularly agreeable, 
I'll be irresistably fascinating. 

Enter Mas. Turtle, disguised as a Chambermaid, r. window, 

Mrs. T, (Aside) There he is — now for my scheme. H«m ' 
sir! m^ 

Lev. (Turning) Eh? a woman — (Aside) a pretty %e oq. 
How d'ye do my dearl 

Mrs. T. Pretty well, I thank you, sir— how are yon? yo« 
are the Honorable Mr, Lerison ; ay'nt you \ 

Lev, I am — do you know me \ 

Mrs. T. No, no, 1 don't know you— but I know fomebody 
that does. 

Z/cu. Indeed! who is it? 

Mr*. T. A young woman. 

ZjCv. a young woman, indeed ! 

Mrs. T. Yes. Oh, what an insiaerating man you must be, 

Leo Jn.sinevdting — what do you mean ? 

Mrs. T. Why, that you are captivating— faTcmafm^—. the 
young woman that I allude to is dying in love for you. 

Lev. Is she indeed ? 

Mrs, T, \ es, and shegces on so about you,s5ays svrh t'liv^^ 



16 HUNTING A TURTLK. 

and calls you such dear names — lor, to listen to her, one would 
think you were quite au imcommou man ; but 1 can't say you 
are over and above humlsome or well made either. 

Lev. 'I'hank you, (Aside) Flattering, upon my life. But 
tell me, who is the lady I have been so fortunate as to make 
an impression upon. 

Mrs. T. Betty, our cook. 

hev. Your cook ? 

Mrs. 7. Yes — oh, you wicked man— Betty Iliofgins. 

Lev. Betty Higgins ! who tiie devil is Betty Higgins? 

Mrs. T. What, do you pretend not to know her? Oh, you 
ipocrit — isn't she your wife I 

Lev. My wife! 

Mrs. T, Yes, you rattlesnake, your poor deceived, deserted 
wife — didn't you marry her in St^phney Church ? 

Lev. Nonsense ! are you mad ? 

Mrs. T, No, sir, I'm quite j»sa?ie — I've seen the cirtificate 
you seaserpent. ■/■ 

Lev. What the ^gUl are you talking about ? you mistake 
me for some other blackguard — 1 know no such person as 
Betty lliiigins. 

Mrs. T. 1 thought you would say so, but I don't believe 
you. She sent me" to tell you that she is determined to make 
you own her, and tliat if you don t consent to see her imme- 
diately, she'll send for a constable and have you taken up. 

Lev. 'J he devil she will ! 

Mrs. T. Yes ; so 1 advise you as a friend, if you don't 
wish to be hanged or transported, to make your escape and 
get out of tl^e country as fast as you can, JS'ow, go, sir- 
pray do. [Trying to pu!>h him out at Gate, 

Lev. Psha! I have nothing to fear j let her do her worst, 
I know nothing about her. 

Mrs. T. Very well, you'll repent your obstinacy. Good 
l^ye, I leave you to your unliappy fate, you'll be sure to be 
seDt to the Demon's Land, or else to the Gt>o)>e River. [Exit, 

Lev. 4MKttSk odd ! Am 1 mistaken for someone else — oi- 
ls it a trick to get rid of me ? Ma, ha, ha ! it is a trick — I'm 
sure of it. I'll outwit you, Mr. Turtle, 1 will see your wife, 
in 4pite of all your plots and contrivances. 

Enter Smattek, with Portmanteau, through gate, z. 
Stmt, I've discharged the chaise, sir, and brought the port* 
mtateau. 



HUNTING A TURTLE. 17 

I,ev. Very well. Now, Smatter, I want you to second me 
to counteract a plot which is formed against me — lake the 
portmanteau bark to the inn, dress yourself in my uniform, 
load my pistols — with powder only — and return here imme- 
diately, (^i'.ll yourself Captain Smith: I'll give you further 
directions when you arrive. Away! 

Smut. Yes, sir. (Asids — Going) If he doesn't tip hand- 
somely, I'll nogociate a cioss, and throw him over. [Exit, l. 

Lev. With such an accomplished assistant as my rascal 
Smatter, a little tact, and a considerable quantity of impu- 
dence, I'll out manoeuvre all the husbands in Europe. 

Tur. (IViihoul) But I say, I will ! 

Mis. T. (wiihoul) But i say you shall not, sir — do it, at 
your peril! 

Lev. A quarrel! what's in the wind now, I wonder? 

Mh. TuKTLi: enters from c, in great agitation. 

Tur. My dear fellow, 1 am in great distress ! I don't 
know how to break it to you, but— AJrs. Turtle-^my wife- 
Mrs. Turtle does not wish to see you. I am very sorry — we 
have had a dreadful quarrel on the subject. She is in an 
awful rage — scolding, breaking the furniture, and playing 
the very devil! Mow, my dear boy, don't for a moment 
suppose I wish to get rid of you — far from it, I assure you — 
but for the sake of my peace and quiet, pray return to the inn. 

Lev. If you particularly wish it, I will, (.going i.. u. re» 
turns) But really, lurtle, your wife's conduct is veryslrange. 
The world imagines her to be an amiable, good-tempered, 
mild and gentle creature. 

Tur. Oil, she's quite the reverse, I assure you. Between 
ourselves, she's a perfect devil— dreadful temper, scold, scold, 
scold from morning until night; and then she's very apt, 
when her temper gets the better of her (and that is, I'm 
sorry to say, two or three times a day), to— doubling his fist, 
and making action of hiiling) 1 assure you it's a melancholy 
fact. 

Lev. Ha, ha! what a happy man you must be! No won- 
der you keep her shut up in the country. Your description 
has enchanted me — slie must be a curiosity! I must see 
her — l^am very fond of vixens. 

'J ur. (aside) The devil! nothing can frighten him ! No, 
no, no, Levison — for my sake, pray go. You don't know 
what you expose me to. 
Lev. 1 do — a good thrashing j but never mind— >you are 



8 HUNTING A TURTLE. 

used to it. I'll take no excuse. Let me see her, or I'll ia~ 
troduce myself. [Going up to house. ; 

Tur. (detuinhig him) No, no, I request 

Lev. {tricing to get away.) Ves, yes, 1 insist 

Mrs. T. {uilhi ut — in a sharp angry tone) Mr. Tunle! 
Tur. There she is — go away, or i shall be murdered ! 
Mn. T. {without) What is the meaning of that disturb 
ance, sit ? isn't that fellow gone? 
Lev, Fellow ! she can't mean me t 

Entei' Mrs. Tirtlf, from c. in an eccentric morning 
rii-apper — hir head covered with curl papers, and a night-cap, 
with very bnad borders. 

Mrs. T. Very pietly, upon my word'' (half aside to Turtle, 
in a tone of subdue'^, rage) How dare you disobey me 1 Did 
I not tell you I would not see that mani 

Tur. (r H pretending alarm) Yes, my love, but- 

Mrs. T. {half aside as before) Hold your tongue, sir { 
(^shaking hiir.) How dare you answer me? 

Lev. (aside) What an amiable creature! 

Mrs. T. (crossing to Levison — with a bland smile, and ovre- 
strained politeness) Sir . 

Lev, (bowing) Madam- 

Mrs, T. Do you perceive that gate? 

Lev. (bowing) Yes, madam. 

Mrs. T. It is open, I believe ? 

Lev, Yes, madam. 

Mrs. T. Will you oblige me by 

Lev. Shutting'it— certainly, madam, (going.) . 

Mrs. T. No, Bir ; by going outby it— by taking- your leave. 

Lev. Madam / (aside) Particularly cool, I must say 

Tur, But, my dear 

Mrs, T. If you dare to say another word,|ril (Dcnbling 

her fist— Turtle shrinks away, To Levison) Will you go, 
g\j. ? [ Mildly pointing to gate. 

Lev, Madam, I am rery sorry that 

Mrs, T. (in an agitated tone.) Will yo go, sir? 

Lev. Really, madam, I 

Mrs. T. (getting angry) Will you go, sir? 

Lev. Yes, madam, but 

Mrs. T. Sir, I wish to be calm and behave like a lady. 
Don't irritate me! don't put me in a passion, and oblige me 
toturnvcuo-'! Dsn't -^^on't-^^o'i'l! 1 : ru caln), no%v— 
fjulte ca!n:— bu! my \rco\ h beginning to boi.! lur. i urtle! 



HUNTING A TURTir. 



10 



{in a loud lii^^h tone.) ^V^y do you stand there, like a fool, 
you unfeeling monster — why don't you make hini go 
Lev. (aside) I am in a pleasant situation here! 
Tin: (mildly.) I'm in a dasMMEble situation! Now, go, 
Levison, there's a good fellow. 

Mrs. T. (hi a violent rage) Good fellow ! Is that the 
way you speak to people 1 don't like {Pushing Turtle hack 
again to n ii.) Oh, you villain'? 1 can't bear it any longer! 
I'm in a passion now, and don't care for anybody, or any- 
tliing! rii raise the neigiibourhood — I'll set fire to tlie house 
— I'll kill myself^ril kill you — I'll — (Turning to Levison — 
staits uildlii.) Ah! can it be 1 do my eyes deceive me! 
Yes, it is — no, it isn't— let me look again — it is, it is! Oh! 
oh ! oh! [Fainti in Turtle's arms — twists and turns about. 

Lev. ^Yli 1 1 J,^in<f>iiiiiin illii she mean by it ii, and it isii't — 
Oh! oh! ohl' 

Tur. Go away ! Emily dear, don't tumble about so, or 1 
shall let you fall, 

Mrs. f. (pretending to revive) "Where am I ? Ah\ he 
here! Go away — go away! don't let him look at me — oh! 
[Turning her head awaij, ihahing her hands in terror, throwing 
curl papers at him, and taking the Stage to r h. 

Lev. What is the matterl What does she mean by 

[Imitating her action, 
Tur. Nothing — go away, pray do. The fact is, she's de- 
ranged — I didn't like to mention it before. Whenever sh« 
gels in a passion she's mad — quite mad ! 

Mrs. T. Where is he? (crossing to c.) let me look upon 
his face ? (beckons to Levison to approach — he hesitates alarmed 
— she seizes him) Ah ! 1 know you, though you have dyed 
your whiskers and wear a wig ! Full well do 1 remember 
that unmeaning smile— that idiotic grin. Listen to me, Mr. 
Timkins. Ah ha ! you see I do know you ! 
Lev. Timkins! 

Mrs. T. Aye. Timkins — remember, Paris, Timkins— (7wt/«- 
teriously.) — and let despair gnaw your flesh, icicle your bloo^J, 
and ossify your heart ; think of that night — the thirty-second 
of November — that dark, dismal, dreary, dreadful, damned, 
and direful night, when the wind whistled, and the rain, 
rained, and the thunder thundered, and the lightning light- 
ened, as if the fearful fiends in frenzied fiery fury, were kick- 
ing up the Old Gentleman's delightr—did you not__? — Come 
com e— you know you did ! 
Lev, Wi^at] 



20 HUNTING ± TUniLE. 

Mrs, T, What! do you mean to say you did not? 

Lev, No, 1 never did. 

Mrs. T. Oh, I inikins, Timkins, I'm ashamed of you ! Hark 
— »some one is playing the fiddle! 

Lev. Fiddle de de ! 

M's. How it squeaks! it tunes my heart to murder! look 
look, look — there, there, there! {Pushing Levi^on abimt and 
turniiig him fioin i,ide to side.) Do you not see him there 1 
There! he points at you ' he Jrowns and calls for vengeance! 
Timkins, 1 must kill you — wait here a moment while I go 
for my scissors!! [Exit into house. 

Lev. Poor creature ! quite lost! 

Tut Quite. ISow go, my good fellow, or she'll return 
and 

Mrs. T. (without) I've got them! • 

Lev. Then I m off — good bye I [Buns off through gate. 

Tur. (laughing violently.) Ua.,hn,hdil capital ! ha, ha, ha ! 

Enter Mrs. Tijrtle, with a large pair of' Shears, 

Mrs. T. Now, villain is he gone ? 

7'ur. Yes— he couldn't stand the scissors ! Ha, ha! yon 
did it famcfusly ! 

Mrs. T. Yes, I flatter myself I did ! 

Tur, Thank heaven, we've got rid of him ! 

Enter Levison at the gate. 

Lev. (aside) I'm afraid I've been hoaxed. 

Tur. Now we'll go to the aicheiy meeting. How well you 
acted the mad woman — yes, it is - -no, it isn't — ha, ha, ha J 

Mrs. T. Ha, ha, ha! it's a capital joke! ha, ha ! 

Lev. ( Advancing hetween them) Hdi, ha, hdil a eapital joke! 
ha, ha, ha ! 

Mrs. T. (Running cff, confused.) Oh dear ! 

[Mr. Turtle walks up and down in a rage — Levison laughs. 

Lev. I say, luitle— yes, it is —no, it isn't— ha, ha, ha, ha! 
It won't do, luitle— I'm too old to be deceived by so shallow 
an artifice. You want to get rid of me, but you s/ia«'t / I'll 
Stay, if it be only to plague you. Don't pretend to get in a 
passion — it is of no use — stay I will ! 

Tur. Mr. Levison, you presume on our former friendship. I 
do not wish to quarrel witli you, but if you persist in remain- 
ing here, and intruding on my domestic privacy, I must resort 
to wious measwies^ V 



J 



HTJNTIXG A TURTLK. 



21 



Lev, You may resort to whatever measures you please— 
S4ripus or comic. 1 am ready tor anything. 

Tur. 'I'his is beyond beuiing. Vou shall meet me, sir, 
to-morrow morning. ■• 

Lev. with the greatest pleasure, sir. In the mean time, 
have the kindness to order your people to prepare some lun- 
cheon — tiavelling has given me an apr^etite. 

Tiir. (/« a viol nt rage) Mr. Levison, do not compel me 
to use violence. Oblige me, by leaving my grounds. 

Lev. I would oblige you, my dtar fellow, but you see 

Tur, Very well, sir ; then I know what I must do. 

Eiit 1st E n H. 

Lev, Ha, ha, ha? Poor Turtle! what a rage he is in — 
he looks like a wid IndJan. Ha, ha, ha ! too bad to carry 
the joke so far. Never mind, I'll make an apology. I am 
deterniined not to go, until I have seen his wife in propria 
personae. I dei'y anybody to slir me 'till then. 

Timothy enters r- catcldug him in Ids arms, and carries him -l. 

Dan. Do you, indeed ? you are mistaken, my master, Its 
-of no use y^ur kicking — out you goes I (Puts him out, l. and 
locks ihe Gale.) Ha, ha, ha! that's an out and out move. 

Lev. ( Without.) ilollo? open the gate, you rascal! 

Dan. 1 ihould think not. Jie off, or I'll let the dog loose. 

Enter Mr. Turtli;, r. n. 

I've done it, sir — I pitched him out like a sack of wheat. 

Tur. Very well, I'im — there's half a crown for you. 

Dan. Thankye, sir — I'd put him up the chimney for 
another half crown. 

Tur. Be on the watch, and give me notice if he should 
return. 

Dan. Yes, sir; if he does, I'll duck him in the horse pond, 

Tur. No, no r come tome — I'll tell you what to do ; though 
I don't think he'll trouble us again. (^Eiit into house, 

Dan. Don't be loo sure o'that — he'll have another try, de- 
pend upon it; and when he does, if master don't whop him I 
knows the chap wot will, and that's Timothy Dandelion, — 
And then there's youn^ Lunnun pertickler, his seivant — the 
chap as wanted to learn me manners — won't I whop him, if I 
gets a chnnce. ( Bell ringnu-ilhoat. at Cute.) Ah, there's some- 
body at the gate — perhaps tlj^e Uombull gentlenia.n hsis coj»e 
back again. Who's there ] " 



22 



HtrsTlJCG A TURTLE. 



Srnat. (Without, as Captain Smiih.) Open the gate, and be 
damned to you ! 

Daii. I shan't till I knows who you are; so tell us your 
name, and what you wants, or you may kick your heels out- 
side till the begining of next week. 

Smut. {Without.) My name's Smith — Captain Smith. I wish 
to see your master on particular business: 

Dan. Oh, if you'ie a captain, and wants to see master on 
business, I suppose I must admit you. {Opens Gate.) Walk 
in, captain 

Enter Smatteh, disguised us Captain Smith, a military fop. 

Smat. How dare you detain me so long at your gate, fellow 1 
Really, upon my honour, I'll complain to your master — I will, 
upon my honor ! {Asperating the letter h.) 

Da7i. {Aside, ( Here's a conceited swell! Yes, sir — thank 
you, sir. (Touching his hai.) 

Smat. I shall insist on his discharging you — I shall really 
upon my honor ! 

Dan. Yes, sir — thank you, sir. Is there anything else yo\x 
would like to do, sirl 

Smat. No, sir— tell you master I am here. 

Dan. Yes, sir. {Going — turns round and loolui at Smatter 
from head to foot. ' . 

Smat. What are you staring at, fellow 1 

Dan. Why I be a taking a sight at you. You looks just as 
if you comed out of a bandbox. 

Smat. VVhaf? 

Dan. I axes pardon, sir— you is such a patent polished gen- 
tleman— yoM is *♦ really, upon my honor !" {Imitating.) 

Smat. You are an impertinent rascal, sir — abscond, or T 
shall be obliged to knock you down— {Turning up the sleeves 
of his coat.) —1 shall, really, upon my honor \ 

Dan. {Observing his action.) Eh! (Looking at smatter — 
Aside.) I'm dashed if it is'nt young pugnacious ! Won't I pep- 
perhiml {Aland.) Knock me down ! no, captain you wouldn't 
do that, I'm sure— you wouldn't take the advantage of mj 
weakness. If you were to hit me, I should never get up again 
you looks so werry strong and hard fisted. {Pretending to be 
alarmed.) 

Smat. Well, well, be civil. Don't tremble young man- I 
won't hurt you, upon my hoiw^ ! {Taking the stage conceitedlx) 
to R. — As. he passes, Timothy shakes kii-fist ufhim.) 

Dan. 'Jifi?nk ye, sir— you are vvery kind. You'll excuse me, 
captain, but I guesses what you wants here. 



MUNTiNC A TUntLE. 



23 



Smtit. Indeed ! really, upon my honor- 



Dan. Yes — you comes from the Hornbull Mr. Levy's son. 

Smat. (Aside,) The deuce ! how could he know that? — 
(^Aloiid.) Yes, yes— you are right, young man, 1 do. He has 
sent^me to demand satisfaction of your master for his conduct 
this morning. We mean to shoot him. 

Dan. Indeed! " Keally, upon my honor I" (^Imitating.) 
Now 1 tell you what it is. Captain Bandbox, my master is a 
gentleman, and the Hornbull Mr. Levy's son is'nt— no more 
is his spooney servant chap — so 1 tells you once for all we isn't 
going to stand no nonsense. So Mr. Captain I'd advise you 
to take a hint and march — I would "really npon m<f honoi:" 

Smat. Would you indeed t (^Crossing to v. alarmed — aside.} 
I'm in a confounded scrape ! this savage will bufcher me, 
I must bluster a bit, and frighten him. Harkee, Mister 
What's your name? 

Dan. {Going close up to him.). Tiveioihy Dandelion — what 
have you got to say to I, eh ? 

Smat. No, no, no ; merely that you are in error. You and 
your master- your master and you — in fact, I don't know 
precisely what I think. 

Dan. Indeed ! Now I'll tell you what I think. If you 
think to bully n;ie, you've got the wrong pig by the tail. I 
knows you, Mr. Lunnun P« tickler Pugnacious — I'm awake to 
your Cheshire- cheeseian soppery. I owes you a licking, so I'll 
pay you. Here goes! (Stricking l.in.) 

Smat. 1 shall be murdered ! (^Drawing sword.) Keep oft', o 
I'll cut you down! '" " 

Dan, I don't care for your cheesetoaste: — cu} awir" 
He runs in, and catches Smatter round the neck, vfy'. dreps ^, 
Sword — a strvggle — they hug and strike ear\ olhet}! Mn, Tiis^ 
TLT. enters and endeavours to part the',—t'!.o-/ fet him b^.« 
tween them and both beat him, &;e. Sma^'if rur" ojj, l. h, 

Tur. {As he enters) Hollo! ho'' ! -x^V > the myttor? 
(After business) What is them- ^^thy ? what i« the 

meaning of all this 1 explain,''' liliin.. 

Dan. Why 1 were giving - • t>-— 1 were whop- 

ping the Hornbull Mr. I goDUemaii a bit. He 

corned here dressed ur ' <^aH you /lout^so 

I sarved him out, that's ul, sii. 

Tur, So, so ; Le- :^on intends £^ '» pe out, does he 1 Well, 
I suppose I must meet h.im, Thej'. Timothy, is another half 
crown for you : be oa the alert— '-"^ ^"^y be wanted again. 

Lev. (IVi' ' — "«,7jj ./i' ^^ -top ■"'>— take care — 



24 



HUNTING A TLRTLK. 



take care -you'll be over. 

Tur, What's lliat ? Oo, Timothy, and see. 

Exit Timoth\],at Gale. 

Tur. 'Twas a hazardous schenie , yet if I have forced 
Levison to return to London, I feel convinced the affair will 
soon blow over. 

Enter Timothy, af Gate, 
Well, Timothy. 

Dan, Oh, sir, such a lark — I mean such an /jaccident. A 
post chaise upset, and an old gentleman has gotten his neck 
broke. 

Tur, Indeed! dreadful! ^:^«««».l.^-^ 

Bun, Yes, sir; the post boy T)e bringing himTiCte. 

Tar. Go, I imothy — yo, aud assist him. (/u/f, Tinvthy — 
Looking i)Jf ) V\ hat a misiorlune ' he seems very much hurt, 

Timothy a/iti Post B'JY enter, supporting hh.v inoti, disgttiied 
us an Old Man. 

Get a chair, and call your mistress. [Timothi^ goes into r, 
room, returns uith a chair, in uhich he places Mr. Levison. 

Dan. Poor old chap, he's done for! regularly booked! 

[Exit, into house, 

Tur, How do you feel now, sir "? 

Ler. Very faint, very ill — oh, Pm a dead man! oh ! broken 
all to pieces. Oh, tliat' confounded postboy — oh! would 
gallop — oh!-— upset chaise — oh! knew he would— oh! killed 
me, the rascal! oh, oh, oh! scud for the doctor — oh, oh! 

Ppitbojj. I'll go, sir. lExit, l. 



En*cr Mrs Tvutlb and Tiuotuy from house. 



Mrs. T. (-R c) What a distressing accident I let me assist 
him. Poor old ^.-ntleman — he seems very much hurt. 

Lev. (c) Oh, lijyback! oh, my— oh, oh, oh! [Kicks about 

Mrs. T. Have yl,! sent for a surgeon ? 

Tur. (c) Yes, th. post boy is gone for one. 

Mrs, T. Poor telltw, what can we do for him? He is 
reviving— how are yoriT.ov/, sir? 

Lev. (Taking her ha.,i) Better— much better. (Kissing 
her hand — she uithdraws •,) i ijgg your pardon, madam — a 
paroxyra of pain. 1 beg pardon— the circumstances that 
caused my intrusion will,! rust, plead my excuse. May I 
ask to whom I am indebtt-d ^rso much kisidnessl' 



JtJ/vs T. My name is 'lur»;i; 



HUNTING A TURTLE. 55 

% 

Let\ (Aside) "Real turtle, I'll be sworn! (Aside) Tin tie! 
Turtle! 1 think 1 have heard the name — you are married, aie 
you not ? your husband is a little old man. 

Tur. Eh] little old man ! 

Mrs. T. Oh no — he's tall, and about my own age. 

Lev. 1 beg- pardon, I mistake, then. J\ow I remember — I 
ani wrong — the Mrs. I'urtle i mean is a very ugly woman; 
you are quite the reverse, 

7'iH'. VVhere do you leel most pain, sir? 

Lev. All over me, sir —from head to foot — oh! oh! ( RB' 
collecting hinisclf ) iMi. iMock Turtle, I presume ? 

Tur, :Mock I'urtle ! no, sir, I'urtle. 

Lev. \ beg pardon — I can never be sufficiently grateful to 
ou sir. Oh ! oh ! 

Enter Posteot. 

Postboy, Here be doctor, sir ■? [Exit. 

Enter Smattbr, disguised as a Doctor, in an eccentric coat 

and green speclacles — he udvaiices, bans formally to Mr, 

and Mm. Turtle, then to Timothy. 

Dan. (r) I wonder who this here be — it beant Doctor 
Pill or Doctor Jones. 

Tur. Doctor, that gentleman lias been overturned in a post 
chaise, and appears to be reiy much hurt — will you have the 
kindness to see if anything serious has befallen him ] 

Smut. Certainly, sir. (Crossing to Lev. taking up his arm 
and feeling it all over) Contusion of the foreheadical artery 
close to the m.iddle temple; the os fronto — (Feeling his neck) 
the OS necko dislocated, and — [Feeling legs] ditto, ditto, both 
the osses legs O. [Crosses to corner, l. 

Tur. [Aside] Osses legs 0! he's a farrier or a cow doctor. 

Lev. I'm a de^d man — oh ! 

Smut. The gentleman mustn't be moved for sixteen weeks 
at least, exertion v/ill be fatal to him. 

Tur, Indeed— how unfortunate ! Is he really so bad? 

Smat. I assure you, sir, on the reputation of a respectable 
practitioner, that his life is in danger — very great danger. If 
he's moved or shuk about I will not answer for him — look 
how he suffers. 

Lev. Oh, oh! [Kicking about displaces the handkerchiefs 
which is round his neck — Drops his hat and moves- his wig—* 
Mrs, T, sees his face. 



/ 



r 



$6 



HUNTIXG A TVETLT* 



J»/>s. T. Ah, 'tis Mr. Levison ! So, so— I'll foil him yet. 
Timothy ? [67)^ gae& up uith Timothy, appears to give him 
iiiitruclicns, and seihU him off, l. 
Let. [Faintlii] Doctor"? 
Smut. Sir. 

Lev. Do you think, doctor, there is any hope? Shall I 
ever recover 1 

Smut. Ifem — ah 5 why tha' depends upon your treatment ; 
if you are not shiik and are kept very quiet ycu will mend, 
but if ycu are removed, mortification vvili take place and you 
wil! die! 

Lev. uh, oh! dreadful! ]\Ir.Turtle — IMrs.Turtle — Madam 
— Sir, ycu hear the doctor's opinioii. W ill you save my life 
by allowing me to remain your guest a short time? 1 am the 
last man in the world to intiude, but my wounds are danger- 
ous. Will ycu take pity on me? 

Tin: Really, sir, 1 

Mis. T. [Aside to Aim] Consent — consent, it's Mr. Levison 
— ft trick! 

Tur. ■[ Astonished'] Eh! 

Mrs. T. Hush! [They retire a pace or tuo back and whisper. 
Lev. [Aside] Ihey are consulting. I shall carry ray point, 
they'll ask me to stay : they don't suspect — ha, ha! 
Tur. [Aside] I'll strangle him. 

Mrs. T. [Aside — r] No, no, consent — we'll punish him yet. 
Lev, You don't answer, my good friend j don't stand upon 
ceremony with me, I beg. 

Mrs.T. [.4side] We don't intend. 
Lev. Put me where you please. 
Mrs. T. [Aside] Into the horsepond. 
Lev. Do with me as you think proper. 
Mrs. T. [Aside] Give y(^ a good thrashing, and less you 
in a blanket. 

Lev. Only allow Bueto remain inyour house— am I to stay? 
Tur. Oh, ceitainly — certainly, make yourself at home. 
Mrs. T. We'll take great care of you, we'll make you so 
comfoitable. [Goivg vp uith Tvr, 

Lev. 'I hanks, thanks— a thousand thanks! [Aside] It's all 
right, I'm settled — established in the house — ha, ha, ha ! 
How they'll be, how 1 shall laugh at them !— ha, ha, ha ! I'll 
give them another groan — Oh, oh— [Aloud] I'm getting worse 
the air is cold. Doctor don't you thiuk 'twould be as well if 
I could be taken into the house ? 



HUNTING A TUSTLr,. 



27 



Srnat. Oh, certainly, certaialy, by all means. Will you 
et the gentlemun be taken in ? 

Tur. Oil, yes, we'll take you in. Here, John ! 

Enter Jo0N. 

Assist me to carry this gentleman into the house. [They take 
vp the chair, with Lev. in it ; as they are turning about to 
enter the hou<te, Tim. enters, l disguised as a Doctor, in a 
great coat, large hut, and spectacles, 

Mrs. T. Oh, here's Uoctur Jones — how fortunate ! 
Lev, [cj Doctor Jones — the Devil ! 
Smat. [it] Doctor Jones ! we're pickled. 

Dan. [[.] How de do — how de do I Eh? dear me— bless 
me— just in time, gentleman not dead-^eh, eh, eh? — Heard 
of the accident, so came up — eh, eh, eh? — Looking at Smat., 
who bows, Tim. returns the sdute, grotesquely] Who's that 1 
who's that?— eh, eh, eh? 

Lev. [Aside — c] A real doctor — how unlucky! 

Smat, [y^AN/f] I shall be phlebotomized; he'll cut my throat! 

Mrs. T. [Aside to Tur., laughing] They are quite alarm- 
ed, the doctor looks as if he were going to faint— ha, ha, ha! 

Dan, \'ery odd— very odd! 'Who is that queer guy— eh, 
eh, eh ? 

Tur. A limb of your profession. Doctor, we called him in 
to attend this unfortunate old gentleman. 

Dan. Indeed' I don't know him, a quack, I dare say— eh? 
doesn't look like a regular. You're from the next town, I 
suppose, sir 1 

Smat. Yes, sir. [Aside] What an escape ! 

Dan. What's the matter with this old chap — I mean, old 
gentleman ? 

Mrs. T, The doctor has reported that the rs ormo wristo 
has a compound fricture, that there is a contusion on the fore- 
headical artery close to the middle temple, the os fronto thatt the! 
«. 7iech0 O is dislocated, and ditto, ditto, both the osses legs ! 

Lev, Smatter*s confounded learning will ruin me. 

Dan, Poor gentleman ! if he has so many osses dislocated, 
he must be hopperated upon immediately. It's lucky I've got 
my tools with me — I'll go to work on him at once. — (Takes a 
bag. from under his arm, and throws down a large pruning knife, 
a saw, garden shears, and etc ) — Doctor, we must cut off both 
his logs and hnnipitate his aLC'< ! 

L!i\ {A>ide.) l -J iei iJ i rr Yi ! I'm in a pretty hobble. 



28 



HUNTING A TURTLE. 



Smnt. [Alarmed — Aside] Poor roaster! he'll be cut into 
mincemeat. 

Tur. Keep up your spirits, sir, 'twill soon be over. 

Mrs. T. Uon'i l)e alaimed, the doctor's very skilful, he 
won't hurt you much. 

Lev. [Aside] i.urtme much — unfeeling woman! What 
^hal'ldo? 
)«/(. Hold him down in the chair — 1 II whip 'em off in a 
moment. [Florisliing pitinino hnife and suu] Do^'n with 
him I [John, Mr. and Mrs. T. take hold of Lev. 

Smut. No, no, no. [E.iposlu luting. 

Lev. Let me alone — let me go ! 

Mr. uiid Mrs T.*i)nu. and John. Sit down — sit down! 
Bequlet- be (luieirl [Bustle — John, Mr. uud Mrs. Tur. and 
Dun. force Leiison to sit doion in the chuir — Smulter, who 
endeavors to interpose, is knocked down bif Dan. — After a 
violent strvfyole lev. breul^s aivjij, and stt.rls vp. 

Lev. Hold — hold I you are mistaken ! I'm veiy much 
obliged to you. I'd rather be excused, 1 don't want to pajt 
with my legs— I'm not huit. [Throat (iff his di.-gnise. 

Mr. and Mrs. T. [I^ictei^diiig aslojii.-hueht] Mr. Levison ! 

Lev. Even so. I confess my defeat, apologize for my rude- 
ness, and lake my leave— [C/oa.s//;^ to v c] hoping when 
next we meet, you will have forgotten my impertment frolic, 
and will do me the honor to introduce me to Mrs. Tii/tle, as 
an f)/d und sincere f dead. [C'oing. 

Tur. Stay, Levison. Emily, I think we must forgive him 
—what Sviy you ? 

Mrs. T. VV hy, if he's very penitent, and will promise never 
to annoy married people again, I think we must lock over his 
peccadilloes, paiticularly as we have used rather vioiei.t reme- 
dies to effect a cure. Vou may put up your mstiuraents, 
doctor, unless you wi hto practice on the osses of your brother 
there. [Pointing to Smat. 

Dun. No, ma'am I've had enough of suigerying ; I'll stick 
to gardening— [Taking off' his disguise] unless he wants a 
lesson in civility. [Squaring. 

Smut. My pugnacious friend. No, no, really, upon my 
honor you are in erior. 

Mr$. '/'. Nevei mind, Timothy. Charles, shake hands with 
Mr. Levison, apologize for oi/r rudeness, and invite him to 
visit us in Londou ; his folly has caused us much amusement 
'twould be ungrateful, therefore, to cut his acquaintance. 



MUNTJKO A TURT!K. 




[To t)te Audience"] And if you will condescend \o place oh 
faults and faiiiiigs in tlie same kind \v^\,i, we will redouble 
our efforts to anmse and welcome you. 



{The Curtain FulLs] 

DISPOSITION OF T-FIE CHAirAClFltS AT THE 
FALL OF THE CURTAIN. 



Smat. 



Tea. 



Mrs. T. tLxv. 



Tim. 



THE END 



t 




014 529 414 9 



^'^X^ 



